Episode 15 – The Rock Fashion Book

jemandtheholograms_episode15_4Jem and The Holograms are approached by a publishing house who have the idea to create a Rock Fashion Book. I originally thought that maybe Chrissy Marx was inspired by 80’s music artists who also brought out books (i.e. Sex by Madonna; 21 Nights by Prince) until I saw that both of those had been published years after this episode was aired. I can’t think of any other books by artists in the 80’s. Possibly there were others, but maybe Marx was ahead of the curve. Anyway, JATH will be wearing Shana’s designs in the book. There’s a tired bit where Jerrica has to go and ‘find’ Jem to talk to the publisher, and one minute later Jem then has to ‘find’ Jerrica again.

'Clash' Montgomery - true 'Ride or Die' Bitch

Pizzazz with ‘Clash’ Montgomery – a true ‘Ride or Die’ Bitch

The Misfits get word of this book happening and they are not happy. They get their faithful homegirl Clash to go and spy on Jem, and if necessary, create havoc.

The fashion shoot is taking place at someplace like SeaWorld with dolphins and killer whales. Remember in the 80’s when some of us thought SeaWorld was way cool, and not really a torture facility for highly emotionally intelligent creatures? That thought made me die a little inside. There’s a particularly lame joke from Shana after Jem says “Steady holograms, remember these are Killer Whales” – “That’s ok we’re wearing ‘killer’ outfits!”….. Heh.

jemandthehologramsepisode15_2Things are getting a little bit tense within JATH, because a little bit of elbow shoving by Kimber to get to feed the dolphins ends with all four girls slipping off the platform into the water. Jem’s earrings can’t cope with water, and she is changed back into Jerrica. Readers, what would you think would be the most important concern at this particular junction in your life? Would it be: A) getting ripped to shreds by a killer whale; B) drowning to death or C) keeping up the illusion of Jem being a totally different person from Jerrica Benton? I’ll give you one guess as to which Jerrica chooses.

Rio and the photographer go in to to rescue Aja, Shana and Kimber but can’t find Jem, because she’s trying to hide from Rio, and the killer whale. The dolphins are let out to find Jem, and they scoop Jerrica up at the last second and bring her to the surface… just in time for Synergy to transform her back into Jem. Everytime Jem has a near-death experience, she drapes herself all over Rio, trying to get herself some. What is it about near-death experiences that makes people in pop-culture so thirsty?

Work it, gurls.

Work it, gurls.

The Misfits meanwhile, are trying to get their own fashion book produced. Except Pizzazz is a biatch who can’t take direction, so she fires the photographer. Afterwards she gets Roxy and Stormer to take photos even though they can probably only just find the big button on the camera. No publishing houses want to take their amateur stuff so it’s on to plan B – getting Clash to wreck the Jem photo shoot.

JATH go to shoot pictures on top of some scaffolding construction in front of the Washington Monument. Clash is lurking around and a security guard in his golf buggy spots her. In his rush to chase her down, he somehow manages to flip the cart over and bang into the scaffolding, which collapses and almost crushes the photographer. After this near disaster, the girls are all suspicious, like “hmmm that’s strange, it’s almost like The Misfits could be behind this.” Huh, ya think Jem? Although to be fair, the first accident had nothing to do with the Misfits and was instead caused by Kimber being a pushy brat.

Bat attack!

Bat attack!

The next shoot is in the Grand Canyons, with Jem and the girls being shot (artistically speaking) from a helicopter. Pizzazz, Roxy and Stormer also make their way there, and position themselves on a ledge under where Jem and the Holograms are shooting. They notice that there appears to be a hollow cave/secret passageway that leads up to where JATH are, and this cave is filled with bats. Pizzazz, Roxy and Stormer disturb the bats and shoo them towards Jem and the Holograms.

Jem and the girls freak the fuck out over this bat situation and start backing towards the edge of the cliff. I know not everyone considers bats cute, but in a game of ‘Which Would You Rather?’, bats beat falling over the edge of a cliff, personally speaking. Rio and the photographers are up above in a helicopter and rescue everyone in time before the cliff collapses.

Under the Misfits control, the new and improved production values of the Jem Fashion Book.

Under the Misfits control, the new and improved production values of the Jem Fashion Book.

After that goes wrong, Pizzazz goes to her father to demand he buy the rights to the Jem and the Hologram fashion book. This way, Pizzazz is able to bark orders at Jem, make sure the pictures are awful, be an ass to everyone, etc. and Jem just has to go along with it because she’s under contract. it occurs to me that Jerrica really is a shitty negotiator. This has happened once before in the Jem Movie episode. You’d think she’d add a clause in that says Jem can get out of it if the rights are transferred to someone else. Didn’t her dad (or that movie experience) teach her anything?

While they are moping about their bad luck, the photographer comes over and he’s in a pretty happy mood about some of the film taken from the Grand Canyon, which clearly shows The Misfits there. Rio, Jem and the Holograms help the photographer to develop the pictures and give them to Pizzazz to take back to her father. The Misfits then realise that they’re going to have to own up to the fact that they attempted to sabotage the photo shoots. Pizzazz tries to plead her way out of it, but her dad is pretty pissed that he’s going to lose money again (just like on the Jem movie).

The original publisher buys back the rights at a reduced price, Jem and The Holograms fashion book is a success, no one learns any lessons to proceed into the future with at all, and Jem continues!

Songs

  • Come On In The Water’s Fine – Jem and The Holograms
  • We’re Off And Running – The Misfits
  • We Can Change It – Jem and The Holograms

Episode 11 – Last Resorts

episode11I was really excited by this title. It seemed like there would finally be some showdown with Rio/Jem/Jerrica or some other sort of high emotion episode, but as soon as I saw the opening shot I knew I was mistaken. It’s set at a ski resort, geddit? What a letdown – and it’s only the first few seconds.

Mr Franklin, the owner of the resort is in mortgage debt to his bank. He’ll lose his lodge and his mountain. Business has been bad since a new resort has opened below his, and there have been some suspicious breakdowns of Mr Franklin’s equipment.

episode11_3JATH run into The Misfits and Clash out on the slopes and engage in a ski/snowmobile chase. Jem corners Pizzazz but then she does nothing except let Pizzazz and then the rest of the Misfits pelt her with snowballs.

A handsome Nordic ski guy, Svensen (or Swensen maybe, the pronunciation is all over the place) comes to save Jem. Unfortunately at this point, Rio also turns up and acts like a jealous dick. Jem says “I thought it was Jerrica you cared about”; Svensen says ” No Leo, you can’t have two girlfriends, and me with none!” So true, both you guys. Svensen swans off, skiing backwards like a smug show off.

episode11_2Jem offers to put on a free concert for the guests who are unhappy at the resort. That’s when they find out that Eric Raymond is the owner of the other resort (betcha didn’t see that coming!). The bank manager and Eric are together trying to plan the downfall of Mr Franklin’s resort. Once they learn that JATH are playing a concert there to bring in more customers, the bank manager puts a plan into action to sabotage it – by fiddling with the ski lift mechanisms.

The next day JATH are on the ski lift when a wheel breaks off and Jem is left hanging onto Shana’s ski pole. Rio goes to try to save Jem, by shimmying along the wire – really not the brightest idea, considering it’s barely holding anyway. Svensen skis off, leaving Rio fuming. Svensen returns with a helicopter, saving Jem, the other girls, and Rio. Rio doesn’t seem all that grateful about it though.

episode11_5

Yep, also don’t know what’s going on with Shana’s lack of a mouth here

JATH and Mr Franklin go to confront Eric. To his credit, even Eric actually seems to think that trying to kill JATH was a step too far. Eric suggests a ski race between JATH and The Misfits. Uhhh… what? Who would agree to such an idiotic proposal? Svensen says he’ll train the girls. Ahhhh now I know why they all want to do it – it’s so we the viewers can be treated to a cheesy 80’s montage workout video!!

Eric and The Misfits have people around the course to help The Misfits cheat their way to winning – Jem goes the wrong way and skis to a dead end, Shana ends up on a piece of ice heading to a waterfall, Kimber is trapped in a hole in the ground – only Aja escapes, though without her skis. Clash bashes her wrist cymbals, setting off an avalanche.

episode11_6When JATH fail to cross the finish line, Rio and Svensen go to investigate. They find Kimber, Aja and Shana but not Jem. Jem has found herself in a cave with a bear. Rio hears Jem screaming beneath the snow and begins to dig her out. Unfortunately though, Synergy isn’t able to help Jem because one earring falls on the ground and the bear is blocked Synergy’s transmission. Yes really. Oooh continuity blooper for nitpickers – after one of the earrings falls of Jem’s ear you clearly see her still wearing two.

Jem is changed back to Jerrica because of the faulty earring and Rio sees a glimpse of Jerrica and is understandably puzzled – like we are all the time by this plot device. Jerrica manages to crawl underneath the bears legs and grab her earring and finally Synergy is able to project a scary hologram onto Rio and scare the bear away.

episode11_7While they are in the cave, they notice that a wall is sparkling and find out the mountain is stuffed with silver. So not only does Mr Franklin get Eric Raymond’s resort, he’s also going to be a jazillionaire. As Kimber would put it – Outrageous!

 

 

 

Songs

  • You Gotta Be Fast – The Misfits
  • It’s Workin’ Out/It’s Doin’ Me In – Jem and The Holograms & The Misfits
  • Love Is Here – Jem and the Holograms

Episode 8 – Starbright Part 3: Rising Star

 

episode8_jeff_kimberLast episode, Roxy tried to seriously maim Kimber by setting off a pyrotechnic display while she was filming a scene. Jeff, the stunt guy, races in to rescue her. This is sort of setting a worrying trend in the Jem series. Even though there are so many female characters with their own identities, if ever one of them is in mortal danger, it takes a man to come in and rescue them. It’s only Episode 8 though, so hopefully that’ll change later on. My memory is quite patchy, but I think there are some later episodes where Jem and the Holograms help out The Misfits.

Jem tries to get Roxy to admit to screwing with the pyrotechnics, but of course Roxy is not going to admit to attempted endangerment of life, or whatever the charge would be. So Jem quits, and everyone else quits too. Except for this gossipy make up lady who insists everyone is making a big mistake.

But now they don’t have money for Ba-Nee’s eye operation. Well, we all know how big-hearted movie studios can be, so they offer to work for free just to pull off the Jem movie.

Clash goes to find her cousin Video to find out about the movie Jem is now making. Clash actually seems quite pleased to report back Video’s message to The Misfits that “Jem and the Holograms are going to make you look like the phony trash you are”.

The new and improved (but still annoying as hell) Clash

The new and improved (but still annoying as hell) Clash

The Misfits then get the gossipy make up lady to make over Clash to look completely different, so that she’ll be able to cause trouble on the set of the Jem movie. She manages to just waltz in by using the excuse that she’s a “friend of a friend of Jem’s”. If only that worked, then I’d probably just wander over to the next movie Chris Pine shoots. Meanwhile, on the shooting of their own movie, things are going predictably badly for the Misfits. Nick Mann quits, followed by gossipy make up lady, the costume designer and the set dresser.

episode8_clashGossipy make up lady goes to see Jem and admits she listened to horrid gossip from Pizzazz instead of making her owns judgments. While she’s there, she sees Clash, who has been secretly stealing things from the set. Jem and the Holograms chase Clash and the car full of stolen stuff in the roadster and use Synergy to create the illusion of a fallen tree in the road to make Clash stop.

As Jem is no longer of the set of Eric’s movie, they can now go public about the accident that occurred on set. Safety officials visit the set of the Misfits movie and shut down production. Pizzazz’s dad goes berserk at the amount of money lost and puts Howard Sands back in charge of the studio. Ok, now all that needs to happen so that everything is right in the world is Ba-Nee’s eye operation has to be successful, Nick Mann needs to get his comeuppance, the Jem movie has to be successful, and the Misfits movie has to fail miserably. Hmm, does everything go smoothly? Also, do bears shit in the wood and is the Pope catholic?

Songs:

  • People Who Care – Jem and the Holograms
  • Welcome to the Jungle (sadly not a G ‘n R cover, that could have been amazing!) The Misfits

Read the next episode summary The World Hunger Shindig!

Episode 7 – Starbright Part 2: Colliding Stars

 

jerrica_joanie_holograms_starbrightpart2

Jerrica, Joanie and the girls at Starlight Music

I really look forward to when I can write a post that doesn’t recap from a cliffhanger last episode.

Jerrica/Jem finally lost her shit with Eric Raymond and the Misfits on the set of the movie – which was probably likely to be Truly Shite instead of Truly Outrageous. I mean has a movie featuring a band as themselves ever been good? Yes, you know I’m thinking of Spiceworld: The Movie. Which ok, no, I didn’t actually see, but 20 seconds of it convinced me I didn’t need to put myself through the whole thing.

But then Jerrica found out that Ba-Nee, one of the Starlight House foster girls, needed an eye operation because at the rate she is going, she’ll be blind. Luckily there’s a highly experimental laser surgery option – costing $250,000.

jerrica_eric_starbrightpart2

“Jerrica, I want at least 2 grams of coke this time. Also, I want that hooker’s body cleared out of my room ASAP. K thanks.”

The girls remember that they have Starlight Music but when they visit the building, everything has been stripped out by debt collectors. Joanie, the one member of staff left, has a really weird accent that I’m thinking is supposed to be Irish, but doesn’t quite come off as authentic.

Let’s pause for a second. Even though Jerrica actually owned half of Starlight Music in the first place, she seemed content to let Eric do whatever he pleased with it while she dressed up in costumes and had band practice and whatever else; and even though she hates Eric Raymond and doesn’t trust him at all, she didn’t monitor what he was doing, when actually, she should have been all over that.

Jerrica realizes that she has to go grovelling back to Eric to finish the movie in order to raise the money needed. But Eric throws in a sneaky catch that forces Jerrica to also act as his assistant, so we know we are going to be truly outrageously entertained seeing how Jerrica can act as Jem in the movie and also be herself and get Eric coffee, or pills, or whatever silly demands he makes.

jem_fall_starbrightpart2Eric tells Jem she has to pay for her own stunt double, so she decides to do the stunts herself. When she’s running across some log that’s supposed to be stretched over a ravine, it breaks in half. Yes, breaks in half. The movie set is that that fragile. Rio swings in on some fake vines to save the day, and when Jem comments he’s a “real-life swashbuckler” he says “only for you, Jem”. I threw up a little in my mouth while watching this.

Video was recording the near-accident the whole time and Clash and the Misfits realize that the movie could be in big trouble. You have to hand it to Jem though, she wants the movie to go ahead so she can get the money for Ba-Nee.

videovivianmontgomery_starbrightpart2Meanwhile, Kimber wakes up to the fact that Nick Mann is a complete douche. She has to film a motorbike scene with him and sees him be super rude to an impressionable, young teenage fan. So instead she goes to flirt with Jeff Wright, the stunt guy. Roxy also likes the stunt guy so to pay him back for ignoring her in favour of Kimber, she messes with the pyrotechnics display as Kimber is filming, which is borderline psychotic. Kimber screams at Nick to help her, but in true douche fashion he runs off to save himself. Cliffhanger time!

Read the next episode summary Starbright Part 3: Rising Star!

Episode 6 – Starbright Part 1: Falling Star

jerricaparty

Last episode, Jem and the Holograms won the Battle of the Bands to keep the mansion as their foster home, and a movie contract. Now Mr Sands the movie producer is holding a huge, fancy party for them to celebrate. At least that’s what the recap at the beginning says, but I’m confused because actually it seems like Mr Sands is doing screw all, and Jerrica is throwing the party and because she doesn’t have the money to hire proper staff, the girls from Starlight Mansion are helping out with food and serving. On top of that, she has to keep changing from Jerrica into Jem all the time.

jerrica&rioRio takes Jerrica away from the party, telling her she needs to chillax. Again Jerrica tries to get Rio’s opinion on Jem and Rio says “She makes the air sizzle, like some bright and dazzling dream”. Dude, that’s your girlfriend you’re talking to! Then he says he likes Jerrica because she’s so dependable and comfortable to be with. In other words ‘you’re boring as fuck’. I can’t really sympathize that much with Jerrica though, she’s brought it on herself.

pizzazztantrumRoxy and Stormer find out that Pizzazz and her family are actually Richie Rich style loaded. Pizzazz is still SO sour about not winning, and Roxy says that if she were so flush with cash, she’d make her own movie. Pizzazz sucks up to her dad and tells him to buy the movie studio (and have Eric run it). Jem and the girls show up to find the movie studio has been sold, the script changed, Eric running the show and The Misfits now in the movie. Eric announces that this movie will make the Misfits the hottest stars in Hollywood, but he announces it with such over the top menace, it’s like a Bond villain times a million. In general Eric rages around the set as though he’s Azealia Banks on Twitter.

ClashA character called Vivian (or Video as she’s known most of the time, because people having normal names is just weird in Jem universe) is filming a documentary about Jem. But there’s also her troublemaking cousin called Clash who has these monkey cymbals attached to each wrist. She fawns all over The Misfits and is basically a dumb, irritating nuisance. The director tries to order Clash off set, but ends up walking off himself after an argument with Eric. At which point Eric says he’ll direct the movie himself. Having recently read the amazing ‘The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room’ by Greg Sestero, I can see shades of Tommy Wiseau in Eric-as-director here.

nickmannJeff Wright, the stunt guy on the movie tries hitting on Kimber, but she’s more interested in Nick Mann, a massive walking penis who looks like a big, dumb, boring Ken doll. He absolutely loves himself and is all about Jem, pissing off both Kimber and Rio. Rio tries punching him after Jem and Nick film a kissing scene. Jesus, Jem sure know how to pick ’em!

Reporters cogaborsandsme to the set and are all up in Jem’s business, straight out asking her if she’s banging her leading man. Eric goes to talk to Kimber. Whenever he has a one-on-one conversation with her, he’s so slimy! He sees how much she likes Nick, and offers her her own scene with him.

Mr Sands approaches Pizzazz’s father to complain but Mr Gabor is more interested in keeping his daughter out of his hair no matter how much money it costs him. It always seems to be that bad behaviour from women can be explained by having a lack of a father figure

jempizzazzcatfight

Catfight!

Jem reaches the end of her tether when the Holograms song is cut for a song by the Misfits. There’s a hilariously campy squabble between Pizzazz and Jem, in which Jem says “You’re a falling star!” Is that really supposed to be insulting? Playground comments are typically more vicious than that. Jem finally quits after this, which is probably a good decision seeing as though one of the reporters pointed out to Eric that he’s never directed a film.

Unfortunately for Jerrica though, one of the Starlight Mansion orphans has a degenerative eye condition that needs to be treated. Where oh where is she possibly going to get the cash from…?

Read the next episode summary Starbright Part 2: Colliding Stars!